Majandrel's Island - Where Tragic is Beautiful


climbingout:

majandrel:

climbingout:

My family need to get qway from me

i am broken and in bits and being around me is just horrible.

same goes for paul

i dont know what to do

about anything

i couldnt hate myself more

or love him more

I’ve been desperately trying to stay away from my so-called “adopted”…

My family always bought me like make up and jewellery and things for christmas etc. Talked about boyfriends and blah blah. It was like because i was a girl thats what i was supposed to care about. 

But in the last few years, relative wise, im starting to think maybe its just they dont understand who i really am. Like even when i wasnt “sick”, when i was just weird/ a loser instead of crazy/ a freak they didnt get me. i liked animals and books and music and painted my room black and didnt use animal products and only wore black, usually baggy clothes and talked about the world and the meaning of life and justice. 

The girly things, jewellery, clothes, conversations, days out, all the annoying suggestions, were only their way of trying to be nice. To show they care. Even though it completely denied my existence and made me feel like shit, it was intended to make me feel like they care about me. 

So im hoping at least that thats what some of your family are doing too. They dont get you, and so the only way they know to include you/ show they care is going on something they can “understand”- you are a girl so  they offer girly conversations/ suggestions/ time etc. 

idk if they can learn to see you, if they’d be up for the effort, or if they wouldnt be bothered or wouldnt be able. But either way, knowing their reaons for girlifying you is out of niceness its easier to live with. 

If thats not it and they’re using you to fulfil some hole they want filled then yeah, fuck them and their expectations, you have waaaayyyyyyyyyyyy more important things going on than their issues. 

I’m trying to survive, which is near impossible with their expectations. It’s not that they give me girly things. In fact I wasn’t allowed to have girly thins like Barbie dolls growing up. But, there’s a total of five boys and me, and I’ve always supposed to fulfill what’s expected. Lowest kid on the totem poll. Not even allowed to speak my feelings, or even have feelings, point out the unfairness of my limitations according to them, just because I’m the girl.

I can handle occasional meals in public restaurants with them, but I don’t want to be a part of their so-called family when I’m not even biologically related to any of them.

But they still hold power, know where I live and will wait outside until I come out so they can ambush me. I’m sure they “love” me in some kind of way but they treated me like a piece of shit girl there to play my part at social events and because of that really don’t want to be a part of the so-called ”family,” always at the bottom and still expected to play the girl. 




7 notes
Tagged as: eminem, loss, love, abue, pain, breakup,

I can’t wait to see this next weekend. :)

I can’t wait to see this next weekend. :)



My new cactus I rescued from the clearance aisle today. I wish I could have avid more, but without money this one was the only cactus I could get.
I’m hoping it cheers me up. I’ve been missing Frederick, my old cactus, until he bit the dust. I hope this one doesn’t die.
I haven’t thought of a name for him yet. He’s super cute :)
Anyone have name ideas or am I the only who names cactuses?

My new cactus I rescued from the clearance aisle today. I wish I could have avid more, but without money this one was the only cactus I could get.

I’m hoping it cheers me up. I’ve been missing Frederick, my old cactus, until he bit the dust. I hope this one doesn’t die.

I haven’t thought of a name for him yet. He’s super cute :)

Anyone have name ideas or am I the only who names cactuses?

climbingout:

My family need to get qway from me

i am broken and in bits and being around me is just horrible. 

same goes for paul

i dont know what to do

about anything

i couldnt hate myself more

or love him more

I’ve been desperately trying to stay away from my so-called “adopted” family as much as possible, because I hate them and they want me to be the girl in a family of five brothers (all more important than me).

It hasn’t worked, exactly, of course, but I try. Thank god they go on lots of “trips”.

I am broken and I try to make it clear that I am horrible for them. but they don’t care. Just want me to fulfill the “girl” duties I’m supposed to.

I don’t know what to do either.

I, too, sometimes hate myself.

Ever heard the saying if you don’t love yourself, you cannot truly love others and they cannot truly love you? (Or something like that-I barely sleep anymore).

And why should I? I had to drop summer school because I was so sick I had to be hospitalized to live, I have Jeremy influencing everything including my classes, the disability director does not think I should go more that half-time for Fall semester in case I get sick again. (In that past two semesters I completed two classes (barely), had to take incompletes for two (which I have yet to finish), drop my summer class, and miss work for two months and who knows if they’ll take me back.

And here it is, 6:30am. I have been awake for two hours and was still awake at 1:30, as usual. I hate sleep. Humans are such pathetic beings, needing sleep, food, and drank. I hate it, and if I don’t kill myself I bet I will die because of one of those three things.

I hate being human right now.



So far, the new meds suck. I don’t feel like myself, like they’re changing me for the worst, which has always been my greatest fear and why I fought taking meds for so many years.

Maybe its a sign.



I’m beginning to really not feel well again. :( Hopefully it’s just my new meds but I have to admit I’m a little worried.




climbingout:

majandrel:

My barely surviving, hard back book supplying life to my poor laptop in laptop ICU until the new charger arrives.  I hope it makes it.

people underestimate holding it together when you can’t, not even holding it together, but just continuing, when its all fallen apart. 
mostly when i see the incredible woahness (you can tell which of us is the writer) its of myself, when i see how impossible it all is and feel utterly lost, but in the last 2 weeks ive gotten glimpses of that horrible feeling, at where you are. Where you have been, all you’ve done. 
Like you’re still here even though you feel like you can’t be, i’ve always known that, but i saw the void, the pit, the holy shitness of it all, on your side in the lost 2 weeks. Usually im too caught up in trying to survive it, to see it for another. 
So yet again, thank you for still being here. 
Have you worked anything out to get help from Anna? you know childlike can be a great things in some ways. im sure you know that. And the unhealthy “childish” parts might be changeable. As things gets better. But for now if getting backed up, like a child, helps you to live then holy shit that HAS to be done. As far as it sounds, no one who knows you would keep that from you if they knew how meaningful it would be to you freeing yourself.

In all honestly I haven’t found a good way (well, any way) to communicate with Anna. Maybe I’ll try writing to her. I could definitely use her strength and confidence. I got this writing exercise book and one of them is a historical event, which I would research and right about the Romanovs. I bet she’d like that. It could open a good door for communication. Idk

climbingout:

majandrel:

My barely surviving, hard back book supplying life to my poor laptop in laptop ICU until the new charger arrives.  I hope it makes it.

people underestimate holding it together when you can’t, not even holding it together, but just continuing, when its all fallen apart. 

mostly when i see the incredible woahness (you can tell which of us is the writer) its of myself, when i see how impossible it all is and feel utterly lost, but in the last 2 weeks ive gotten glimpses of that horrible feeling, at where you are. Where you have been, all you’ve done. 

Like you’re still here even though you feel like you can’t be, i’ve always known that, but i saw the void, the pit, the holy shitness of it all, on your side in the lost 2 weeks. Usually im too caught up in trying to survive it, to see it for another. 

So yet again, thank you for still being here. 

Have you worked anything out to get help from Anna? you know childlike can be a great things in some ways. im sure you know that. And the unhealthy “childish” parts might be changeable. As things gets better. But for now if getting backed up, like a child, helps you to live then holy shit that HAS to be done. As far as it sounds, no one who knows you would keep that from you if they knew how meaningful it would be to you freeing yourself.

In all honestly I haven’t found a good way (well, any way) to communicate with Anna. Maybe I’ll try writing to her. I could definitely use her strength and confidence. I got this writing exercise book and one of them is a historical event, which I would research and right about the Romanovs. I bet she’d like that. It could open a good door for communication. Idk


My barely surviving, hard back book supplying life to my poor laptop in laptop ICU until the new charger arrives.  I hope it makes it.

My barely surviving, hard back book supplying life to my poor laptop in laptop ICU until the new charger arrives.  I hope it makes it.

5 notes
Tagged as: computer, laptop, hp, hope, waiting,

“Sad, huh?  She’s been here six months. She’s a complete mystery. No family, no visitors - she’s completely alone.”

“Sad, huh?  She’s been here six months. She’s a complete mystery. No family, no visitors - she’s completely alone.”


Me too.

Me too.


When I was little I was obsessed with this movie. I’ve watched this scene over and over. It just jooks so peaceful. I wish I had a swing to sway back and forth, leaving all my problems and trouble behind for awhile.

When I was little I was obsessed with this movie. I’ve watched this scene over and over. It just jooks so peaceful. I wish I had a swing to sway back and forth, leaving all my problems and trouble behind for awhile.



Lost girls in a hidden island world.

Metropolitan State University of Denver, USA

Poet, writer

Depressed. Insomniac. Pill popper. Suicidal. May be triggering

Favs: Megan Fox, Eminem, Miley Cyrus, Chloe Moretz, Selena Gomez, Demi Lovato, Teen Wolf, Switched at Birth, TVD, SPN, GOT, PLL, Chasing Life

Diagnosed with PTSD, Dissociative Identity Disorder, Celiac Disease, Chronic Pancreatitis et al.

Quotes from favorite TV shows and movies

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