Majandrel's Island


climbingout:

I think I fucked up, extra fucked up, ED/recovery wise in like a sympathy pain kind of way cause this is so painful.

Once my temperature goes back to normal, if I haven’t gone back to ED bullshit and so deserve to die, I will try the pancreatitis meal plan too. So you’re not alone.
Soft stuff…

Heat does sound nice. It’s weird how I always reach for cold, instead of warm. 

Sometimes I wonder if cold is comforting to me somehow. In Canada I remember lying still in the snow, and as it fell it blanketed me in a sort of safety because I couldn’t be seen. I could lay there for hours.

Other times I wonder if I reach for cold because it numbs feeling, which also provides safety, in a way.

Maybe it’s a combination of both, with safety being the overall goal. I don’t know.

I appreciate the support on the pancreatitis diet, and trying to manage a way to live with it long term. Because you can’t do clear liquids for more that a few days, but pure liquid diet you can do forever because you can get your nutritional needs. I did pick up multivitamins at the store today, which is so unlike me, but I thought they’d help me feel better physically.

Today I felt mostly ok, which is so much better considering Wednesday and Thursday I could not even move it hurt so much. But maybe that’s what I get for jumping into straight solids instead of semi-solids like non-clear soups and yogurt. I’m definitely afraid to do that again.

Right now I just hope I make it through the weekend. I’m out of all my pain meds which is going to make it so hard to sleep. I have a test on Monday, and a ton of homework I’m behind in. I don’t know if I’ll get it all done. I really want to pass the semester, but my energy, belief, dreams- everything has been overshadowed by my current state, both mind and body.

I’m in that crazy “tell-no don’t tell” frame of mind. I want to but I don’t. I know, what’s new. I’m always like that. I really hope next week is different. I can’t live if I keep breaking for weeks out of every month.

I don’t really know what’s wrong with me. I’m too exhausted to think anymore.


majandrel:

Dr. Matt gave us the wrong business card, so we went to the completely wrong specialist who couldn’t help at all. Now it’s going to be a two week wait to see the correct specialist. In the meantime I decided to try to eat again, but now my stomach hurts and I’m beginning to become…

Enzymes doesn’t sound familiar, but maybe I’ll ask dr. Matt about them when I give him a call.

In my last post I mentioned I was scared to eat but I tried it for two days. The first day wasn’t too bad, but yesterday I just wanted to die it hurt so much. In fact, yesterday I was planning on going to see Jesh but it hurt to much to much, much less drive. I spent all day in bed, dozing here and there. So I don’t think I gave my pancreas enough time to properly heal,

I can’t keep living with all this pain. :(

Dr. Matt gave us the wrong business card, so we went to the completely wrong specialist who couldn’t help at all. Now it’s going to be a two week wait to see the correct specialist. In the meantime I decided to try to eat again, but now my stomach hurts and I’m beginning to become afraid of solid foods.

Fasting helped lessen the pain so much that I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to be scared to eat because of the pain, like I was before my celiac was diagnosed, but I am. I don’t like feeling hungry, but I dislike stomach pain even more.

I feel trapped with no way to win.




In our society size is always an issue. Every woman feels pressure to be pressure.

In our society size is always an issue. Every woman feels pressure to be pressure.

climbingout:

I feel unable to focus or face anything. I can’t even do the things I love. It’s like all the passion has vanished, along with any belief in myself. My brain is too scattered and my ability to take any action is pretty much none.

Do you know where you go when you’re like this? i feel almost exactly the same, i think its a really common thing with us tbh, and i dont know where we go. i mean either we’re lazy ass shits who need to bring ourselves back, no big problem, OR we go somewhere where there’s something there thats worth finding.

im hoping we’re lazy shits and just need to take ourselves out and put ourselves back where we want to be, but im afraid its more and idk how to get us to fight that. 

Read More

I wish you were here. I could so use some more love and support.

I went to see Dr. Matt again today because I never heard about my test result and my stomach was hurting more and more, moving through my back an even the other side.

Turns out Dr. Matt did call with the test results on March 27th. He said he talked to someone, but I had no idea.

Anyways, turns out I have pancreatitis, which I guess is really unusual because I don’t drink, I’m female, and I’m too young. Could be bad immune system, I know Celiac is killing mine.

Whatever the reason, my guess is that’s why I’ve had strange tastes, lost my appetite, wake up in pain, pain when I eat or drink, nausea and maybe even the times I’m suddenly dizzy for no reason.

I have an appointment with the specialist on Monday afternoon. Until then I have to stay on a strict clear liquid diet to see if my pancreas will start healing at all. If I get any worse, or any new symptoms come up I’m supposed to go straight to the ER.

I have to get a CT scan. The place was going to call me today-but, surprise, surprise, today my phone decided to bite the dust and I can’t get a new one til Saturday at the earliest. So the test schedulers can’t get through.

I don’t know what I’m going to do. This feels really overwhelming. I mean yeah it’s good to finally have an answer to this mysterious pain that’s kept me from being able to concentrate and go to school and work, but I was already so overwhelmed, I don’t know what I’m going to do. I don’t know how I’m going to get through the last crunch month of school like this, especially if I do end up in the hospital.

I just feel really alone. I can’t even text anyone. :(

Once again, there’s proof that whatever good I get must be paid for with pain.




climbingout:

majandrel:

climbingout:

that i am right.

I don’t know whether we’re right or causing self-fulfilling prophecies, but I’ve had too many people vanish for me to think I’m wrong.
It does seem to be just a matter of time.

How about, for now, we focus on being able to be here for ourselves. And then in the future, if we can learn to live with ourselves, we can see if we want to open ourselves up to relying on others more?
i do think for you its partially self fulfilling prophecy, and we both focus on the bad, the hate, the anger, as apposed to making the best of the good. And i know i love you and always will, i know there are people who love you right now. i know your Dad is still around even though you dont talk to him, but either keep quiet or test him with crazy behaviours. i dont think he is able to handle all that you are in a simple or easygoing way, but that doesnt mean he is going to abandon you, or doesnt love you. 
But regardless, whether we’re right or wrong, if we focus on ourselves we can survive now which gives us time to figure that out in the future.

I feel unable to focus or face anything. I can’t even do the things I love. It’s like all the passion has vanished, along with any belief in myself. My brain is too scattered and my ability to take any action is pretty much none.
Last week I did well with school. I thought I’d be able to keep it up, but then, this week, I completely reverted once again.
Yesterday, for one whole day I managed to keep zombie at bay. But that didn’t last either.
Tomorrow I don’t know what will happen. I want to be able to sleep tonight (For two days I did not sleep until the sun came up-even with pills, and yesterday I only got a few hours, and then slept three hours during the day away.
I feel like I’m reverting to how I was years ago when we first met. Not taking care of myself. I’ve been decreasing my anxiety/depression meds and, to be honest, even though I know I’m happier and better when I take them, I can’t seem to stop. I even think about going without them altogether.
I don’t know how to flip the switch back into doing what I know is best. I’m trying to stay in control, but unfortunately I’m spending almost all of my time on everything but what I know I should do. What I know I love. Or loved. I don’t know which.
If I could just get some structure and focus, but I’m sabotaged. Whether from me or someone else I don’t know, but I fear that soon I will lose everything.

climbingout:

majandrel:

climbingout:

that i am right.

I don’t know whether we’re right or causing self-fulfilling prophecies, but I’ve had too many people vanish for me to think I’m wrong.

It does seem to be just a matter of time.

How about, for now, we focus on being able to be here for ourselves. And then in the future, if we can learn to live with ourselves, we can see if we want to open ourselves up to relying on others more?

i do think for you its partially self fulfilling prophecy, and we both focus on the bad, the hate, the anger, as apposed to making the best of the good. And i know i love you and always will, i know there are people who love you right now. i know your Dad is still around even though you dont talk to him, but either keep quiet or test him with crazy behaviours. i dont think he is able to handle all that you are in a simple or easygoing way, but that doesnt mean he is going to abandon you, or doesnt love you. 

But regardless, whether we’re right or wrong, if we focus on ourselves we can survive now which gives us time to figure that out in the future.

I feel unable to focus or face anything. I can’t even do the things I love. It’s like all the passion has vanished, along with any belief in myself. My brain is too scattered and my ability to take any action is pretty much none.

Last week I did well with school. I thought I’d be able to keep it up, but then, this week, I completely reverted once again.

Yesterday, for one whole day I managed to keep zombie at bay. But that didn’t last either.

Tomorrow I don’t know what will happen. I want to be able to sleep tonight (For two days I did not sleep until the sun came up-even with pills, and yesterday I only got a few hours, and then slept three hours during the day away.

I feel like I’m reverting to how I was years ago when we first met. Not taking care of myself. I’ve been decreasing my anxiety/depression meds and, to be honest, even though I know I’m happier and better when I take them, I can’t seem to stop. I even think about going without them altogether.

I don’t know how to flip the switch back into doing what I know is best. I’m trying to stay in control, but unfortunately I’m spending almost all of my time on everything but what I know I should do. What I know I love. Or loved. I don’t know which.

If I could just get some structure and focus, but I’m sabotaged. Whether from me or someone else I don’t know, but I fear that soon I will lose everything.

(Source: thefearoffallingappart)

One week after Spring Break and I’m already struggling with school again. In truth I never truly stopped struggling because I didn’t get all of my assignments caught up.

Now, with only a month and a half left crunch time is stressing me, which continues paralyzing me and I fall behind again.

I don’t know what I’m going to do. I don’t know how to finish all my assignments to pass my classes. I’ve given up working until summer semester at this point. And the thought of full-time fall semester is scaring the hell out of me.

Last fall I only made it through the first month doing really well with work and school. The other 3 months just went further and further downhill. To be honest I know I should only go to school half-time, because it would be like last summer in which I did well in both school and work.

The problem is I force and push myself more than I can handle, and I can’t stop. I continually have to put myself through hell even though I know it isn’t good for me. 

I always think of maybes and what ifs— like my ideas could help me. I mean, I know they could, but not as long as they’re not executed, which they’re not.

I just wish I understood my self destruction and the frightening monsters paralyzing me. Then maybe I’d have a better clue.

Right now I feel lost and alone, which paralyzes me even more. Why can’t I just wrap my head around everything so it could make some sort of sense?




climbingout:

that i am right.

I don’t know whether we’re right or causing self-fulfilling prophecies, but I’ve had too many people vanish for me to think I’m wrong.
It does seem to be just a matter of time.

climbingout:

that i am right.

I don’t know whether we’re right or causing self-fulfilling prophecies, but I’ve had too many people vanish for me to think I’m wrong.

It does seem to be just a matter of time.

(Source: thefearoffallingappart)


You told me you’d never leave me.

You told me you’d never leave me.

climbingout:

majandrel:

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But when they try so much to help you and then give up, like you’re lost cause, an refuse to be in your life it devastates you. At least it did me. Knowing I was adopted, my own mother didn’t want me, and didn’t even bother to put my real dad’s name on my birth certificate already made my fear of abandonment and feeling unworthy even greater,

Even now that I know not all I was told was true and my birthday may not even be my real birthday being left just kills me. And I can’t say it wasn’t me because obviously it was, every time.

I still think everything I was told was my purpose in life-being the girl, suffering, hurting, not mattering, not allowed to talk or feel, is, in fact, my destiny. And I’ve been burned and punished for breaking, or trying to break those rules, that it’s what I believe, too.

I am a little braver now, told a few some of the rules, but all that’s done is brought pain and punishment which just emphasizes my destiny even more.

This past week the school disability director told that no one can escape their destiny so I shouldn’t worry or focus on it. But I can’t because I’ll never escape it. No matter how well I do or how much I pay it will never be enough, and I don’t want to be punished, pay or be a martyr anymore. And if it is my destiny then how do I ignore the unescapable consequences for any happiness? It’s happened so often- always, actually, that I’m always terrified.

I’ve spent my life in fear and trying to keep myself trying, hoping and wanting because of the punishments, but I’m never strong enough.

I don’t know. I can’t think. As usual I’m exhausted.




majandrel:

Right now, this is what I want for my life. Feeling safe, warm, loved. Yet at the same time I’m still a total mess. It’s confusing me.

I know what I want but I can’t seem to make the steps I need like upping my anxiety/depression meds (I’ve been taking only 1/3), and I can’t get…

Honestly, how can I ask anyone who cares about me, or I care about, for help? I’m not even sure if I can ask anyone. Being a part of my life always seems to mean destruction, abandonment, or death. I broke Michael, I know I did, until he finally he finally got away.

There’s  been too much loss and death because of me. I can’t be the cause or destroy any more lives. There’s something really wrong with me. Something about me that can suck people in, and it always ends up with pain, death or destruction. No matter how much I may or may not deserve help, something bad will happen.

I feel even worse because I know that, like a genetic code, I always feel a deep need for help, an no doubt will seek it out. I’ll torture myself and whoever gets involved. It’s like a pattern that never ends an no one seems to be able to survive the eternal harm and destruction I end up causing.

I truly despise it. 


Right now, this is what I want for my life. Feeling safe, warm, loved. Yet at the same time I’m still a total mess. It’s confusing me.

I know what I want but I can’t seem to make the steps I need like upping my anxiety/depression meds (I’ve been taking only 1/3), and I can’t get the focus to do the writing I love, which I know from past experience when I was in ip, that having the nutrition and health really helps in that department.

I know I’m not stuck- just scared- but the fear is keeping me stuck and I just don’t have the answer of how to get out this trap, this mess, and be normal.




You promised me that you’d always be there for me, and obviously that was just a load of B.S.

You promised me that you’d always be there for me, and obviously that was just a load of B.S.


climbingout:

majandrel:

climbingout:

Not true overall, other people matter, they have to be considered too 
But in the context of oneself, and decisions made about yourself, maybe this works. Not that bullshit recovery affirmation “you deserve to be happy” “i can take what i want” “do what makes you happy” blah blah. 
With so much going on in different directions and coming form different places, maybe this would help us figure out what to do better?
Especially if you’re right with the “deserving to suffer” belief. We get confused as to what the “right thing” to do is. Maybe this could narrow it a bit?

It’s kind of funny that you posted this because I signed up for some nutrition classes come fall. I don’t know if I’ll be able to put what I learn into practice in order to think better, feel better, and perform at school and writing better, but I thought I’d give it try.
I’m not doing the whole major (I’m way to disturbed at the thought of dissection), but the minor looked ok, and very short, so I’m going to give it a try. I figure I have nothing to lose by trying.

6am gtg to bed before my dad gets up but let me know how you are and what’s happening, in the ask I sent if you need privacy. I always wonder where you are fearing the worst hoping the best and not knowing wtf we should do. And now idk if the class is a great or terrible sign either. Talk soon I hope xoxoxoxo

Ack! I didn’t get your ask again! I’m starting to develop a complex by thinking you don’t want to write to me. I’ll try to remember that it’s not true.
I’m about to pass out as well, but I’ll update you tomorrow. I actually have a lot to tell you! :) 

climbingout:

majandrel:

climbingout:

Not true overall, other people matter, they have to be considered too 

But in the context of oneself, and decisions made about yourself, maybe this works. Not that bullshit recovery affirmation “you deserve to be happy” “i can take what i want” “do what makes you happy” blah blah. 

With so much going on in different directions and coming form different places, maybe this would help us figure out what to do better?

Especially if you’re right with the “deserving to suffer” belief. We get confused as to what the “right thing” to do is. Maybe this could narrow it a bit?

It’s kind of funny that you posted this because I signed up for some nutrition classes come fall. I don’t know if I’ll be able to put what I learn into practice in order to think better, feel better, and perform at school and writing better, but I thought I’d give it try.

I’m not doing the whole major (I’m way to disturbed at the thought of dissection), but the minor looked ok, and very short, so I’m going to give it a try. I figure I have nothing to lose by trying.

6am gtg to bed before my dad gets up but let me know how you are and what’s happening, in the ask I sent if you need privacy. I always wonder where you are fearing the worst hoping the best and not knowing wtf we should do.
And now idk if the class is a great or terrible sign either.
Talk soon I hope xoxoxoxo

Ack! I didn’t get your ask again! I’m starting to develop a complex by thinking you don’t want to write to me. I’ll try to remember that it’s not true.

I’m about to pass out as well, but I’ll update you tomorrow. I actually have a lot to tell you! :) 

(Source: liquid-diamonds-flowing)



Lost girls in a hidden island world.
Metropolitan State University of Denver, USA
Diagnosed with Dissociative Identity Disorder et al.
Celiac Disease
Poet, writer
Depressed. Sometimes suicidal. May be triggering
Quotes from favorite TV shows and movies
Favs: Miley Cyrus, Miley Cyrus, TVD, SPN, GOT, PLL
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