Majandrel's Island - Where Tragic is Beautiful

I’m beginning to really not feel well again. :( Hopefully it’s just my new meds but I have to admit I’m a little worried.




climbingout:

majandrel:

My barely surviving, hard back book supplying life to my poor laptop in laptop ICU until the new charger arrives.  I hope it makes it.

people underestimate holding it together when you can’t, not even holding it together, but just continuing, when its all fallen apart. 
mostly when i see the incredible woahness (you can tell which of us is the writer) its of myself, when i see how impossible it all is and feel utterly lost, but in the last 2 weeks ive gotten glimpses of that horrible feeling, at where you are. Where you have been, all you’ve done. 
Like you’re still here even though you feel like you can’t be, i’ve always known that, but i saw the void, the pit, the holy shitness of it all, on your side in the lost 2 weeks. Usually im too caught up in trying to survive it, to see it for another. 
So yet again, thank you for still being here. 
Have you worked anything out to get help from Anna? you know childlike can be a great things in some ways. im sure you know that. And the unhealthy “childish” parts might be changeable. As things gets better. But for now if getting backed up, like a child, helps you to live then holy shit that HAS to be done. As far as it sounds, no one who knows you would keep that from you if they knew how meaningful it would be to you freeing yourself.

In all honestly I haven’t found a good way (well, any way) to communicate with Anna. Maybe I’ll try writing to her. I could definitely use her strength and confidence. I got this writing exercise book and one of them is a historical event, which I would research and right about the Romanovs. I bet she’d like that. It could open a good door for communication. Idk

climbingout:

majandrel:

My barely surviving, hard back book supplying life to my poor laptop in laptop ICU until the new charger arrives.  I hope it makes it.

people underestimate holding it together when you can’t, not even holding it together, but just continuing, when its all fallen apart. 

mostly when i see the incredible woahness (you can tell which of us is the writer) its of myself, when i see how impossible it all is and feel utterly lost, but in the last 2 weeks ive gotten glimpses of that horrible feeling, at where you are. Where you have been, all you’ve done. 

Like you’re still here even though you feel like you can’t be, i’ve always known that, but i saw the void, the pit, the holy shitness of it all, on your side in the lost 2 weeks. Usually im too caught up in trying to survive it, to see it for another. 

So yet again, thank you for still being here. 

Have you worked anything out to get help from Anna? you know childlike can be a great things in some ways. im sure you know that. And the unhealthy “childish” parts might be changeable. As things gets better. But for now if getting backed up, like a child, helps you to live then holy shit that HAS to be done. As far as it sounds, no one who knows you would keep that from you if they knew how meaningful it would be to you freeing yourself.

In all honestly I haven’t found a good way (well, any way) to communicate with Anna. Maybe I’ll try writing to her. I could definitely use her strength and confidence. I got this writing exercise book and one of them is a historical event, which I would research and right about the Romanovs. I bet she’d like that. It could open a good door for communication. Idk


My barely surviving, hard back book supplying life to my poor laptop in laptop ICU until the new charger arrives.  I hope it makes it.

My barely surviving, hard back book supplying life to my poor laptop in laptop ICU until the new charger arrives.  I hope it makes it.

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Tagged as: computer, laptop, hp, hope, waiting,

“Sad, huh?  She’s been here six months. She’s a complete mystery. No family, no visitors - she’s completely alone.”

“Sad, huh?  She’s been here six months. She’s a complete mystery. No family, no visitors - she’s completely alone.”


Me too.

Me too.


When I was little I was obsessed with this movie. I’ve watched this scene over and over. It just jooks so peaceful. I wish I had a swing to sway back and forth, leaving all my problems and trouble behind for awhile.

When I was little I was obsessed with this movie. I’ve watched this scene over and over. It just jooks so peaceful. I wish I had a swing to sway back and forth, leaving all my problems and trouble behind for awhile.


climbingout Asked:
<3 too tired and lost to make any sense or be any use. Just know im still here, barely, but still, clinging to hope for the both of us xoxoxoxoxo

My answer:

climbingout:

majandrel:

I know what you mean. At least I got to see the disability director oh Thursday. He’s always helpful and makes me feel better. I have at least 1 hour, if not more, when I see him. It’s kind of like therapy, except that when I have a problem or need advice (like I did when I went into the hospital), he always has an answer and manage to help.

Most of the time im just shocked brethless when i see how deep your problems go, when i try figure how to help you live again, and survive day to day till you can.  But sometimes and dont hate me for this, i know your problems are hugely serious, but it almost hurts more when i think now and then, that maybe you need backing up day to day on little things, like a kid asking their mam is it ok to wear the blue jacket to school, or is the card i made for cousin Louie nice, or what subjects should i pick for summer camp. You just want someone to talk out your normal everyday decisions to, and have them back you up. 

Its childish and not a way to live overall. So its not like we’d aim for that for you forever. But if thats what you need to get through day to day, to handle your own existence, then it is so incredibly heartbreaking that you dont get it. After all you’ve been through and have to handle, thats like nothing to ask for. 

ok im not finished but i have to go so ill answer more later. i think its good your still here. And not jsut for my own sake xoxoxoxo

I’m not at all surprised when you say I have a child-like attitude much of the time because, in all honesty, I matured, mentally or emotionally, past the late teens. I’ve always known that. My Dad has always known that, and, to be honest, I think I will always be like that.

It’s older than many, such as MJ, Katie or Jamie, but not as old as Anna or Richard.

Sometimes I think it will ruin my life (if it hasn’t already) being forever stuck in the age of high school and not able to be a responsible adult. I honestly, can’t change that. Like I’ll never have/keep a full time job, (unless it’s English teaching in Russia), so I cannot contribute hardly anything (especially recently as my Dad is holding all money hostage in the hopes I wont have to go to the hospital again anytime soon.

I know if we worked together a little more Anna could help quite a bit. Richard not so much in the outside world as he prefers inside. But I don’t think I’ll ever grow into an adult, get a job, apartment, or house. Maybe I could part-time a job enough to help (which I’m really hoping as I feel safer at night with Jesh around than I do alone at home.

Hang in there and wish me luck sleeping. Ever since Dr Matt changed our meds and we stopped one cold turkey I’m feeling major side effects- especially insomnia.

Anyways, I luv ya my bff. Write when you can.



climbingout Asked:
<3 too tired and lost to make any sense or be any use. Just know im still here, barely, but still, clinging to hope for the both of us xoxoxoxoxo

My answer:

I know what you mean. At least I got to see the disability director oh Thursday. He’s always helpful and makes me feel better. I have at least 1 hour, if not more, when I see him. It’s kind of like therapy, except that when I have a problem or need advice (like I did when I went into the hospital), he always has an answer and manage to help.


If I want to continue school in the fall I must appeal the administration board. I have done it before. Not at MSU Denver, but I did it when I went IP for the first time. I don’t even want to go into the bullshit.

Last time I was approved. I probably will be this time as well, if I can manage it. I still feel lost and hopeless much of the time. so I don’t know what will happen.

Perhaps I will try and see if I end up failing miserably for three semesters in a row. Fall seems to be the only semester I can pull off successfully, but maybe that’s heading downhill as well.

I don’t know. I some ways, at some times I feel better; but the moments are just that: moments, that vanish as quickly as they appear.

There’s still so much haunting me, and I don’t know how to fix it. I’ve been trying to learn from watching this summer’s PLL., but I’m not learning enough from Aria’s search for forgiveness.

Dr. Matt changed my depression/anxiety meds, hoping it would help get me out of the apartment and care about my future again. So far I’m just getting a lot of side effects from stopping the old one, so who knows if it works.

Thanks to the hospital I’m still alive. Whether that’s good or bad I’m uncertain.




My life has become disconnected
Something inside me feels forever infected.
My mind and dreams are rotting away,
like old cigarette butts crushed
lying and piling
in an old ashtray.

It’s as if the motions of living have all been a play
Written, planned, fated, the end coming my way.
Why else would all strength and hope betray me?
While my mind and body keep me too weak to plea
for a return to what was once me.

I’m a trapped, solitary tree,
burned and leafless in a black sea.
I’ll be cut down, or maybe just drown.
Unable to atone I’m turning to stone.
Death is near, yet I feel no fear.




climbingout:

fat and fight with paul despite doing everything i can think of to keep him happy and do what he wants

I don’t think you can truly live for someone else. You can be loving and devoted without having to give up yourself or what you want. I know you want Paul to be happy, but there’s things you want to in order to be happy, too.

I don’t know much about your relationship with Paul, except he’s been around forever, like a husband or something (an maybe that is in fact what he is).

Maybe you two could have some nights (or days) of fun and spend the day/night together doing things you both like or trying something new altogether.

That’s what I want to do, try something new before the pancreatitis or whatever finally kills me, but I don’t know that I’m strong enough. Especially now that I know my heath is such an issue I don’t even know if I can do Fall semester for even half-time, if at all. I was supposed to go see the school disability director today, but I rescheduled for Monday.

I don’t know. I’ve been trying to think of things I want to try or do, but it’s tough when you have so little energy because your sick.

I see Dr. Matt on Tuesday and hopefully my blood work comes out ok. I haven’t had nearly as much pain, so, with the exception of the chronic anemia I think I’ll be ok-for now, at least. I’m beginning to feel the occasional symptoms I had before hospital, so I’m a little worried I may end up back there soon. I hope not. I’m trying to everything I can, but once it hurts to much to eat and is hard to even drink water I may en up back doing their horrid pancreatitis treatment.

Try to have fun this weekend. I know I’m going to try especially with the two appointments coming up. Appointments I can honestly say I’m where I admit I’m a little afraid of because of what thy may say.

I’ll be around if you want to talk.




Yay Canada Day!! No matter where I live or where I am I&#8217;m always proud to be 100% Canadian.

Yay Canada Day!! No matter where I live or where I am I’m always proud to be 100% Canadian.

(Source: herefortheholidays)




Lost girls in a hidden island world.

Metropolitan State University of Denver, USA

Poet, writer

Depressed. Insomniac. Pill popper. Suicidal. May be triggering

Favs: Megan Fox, Eminem, Miley Cyrus, Chloe Moretz, Selena Gomez, Demi Lovato, Teen Wolf, Switched at Birth, TVD, SPN, GOT, PLL, Chasing Life

Diagnosed with PTSD, Dissociative Identity Disorder, Celiac Disease, Chronic Pancreatitis et al.

Quotes from favorite TV shows and movies

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