Majandrel's Island - Where Tragic is Beautiful



I’ve lost my hope, my dreams, my desire, for the future. I never thought it would happen, but as you may have noticed, I’m not really living anymore. Not here on tumblr, not at school, not even while writing, and, actually, I can’t even truly write anymore.

The pain, the failures this illness has…

this is how i try do it when things are really fucked:

what would you want to do if you weren’t paniced and in pain right now?. So, if you could magic away the pancreas pain, what would you want to do?

Pain like that is like a godamn leech sucking all the life and colour out of you and life. Being hopeful when you’re in pain like being asked to do complex maths while falling off a cliff. 

There is hope. You cant feel it because you’re stuck in this shit, so please please please try look past this pain and imagine if we magiced it away, what would you want then?

This pain doesnt have to continue like this. Like you said to me before, little steps. We just have to point you in the right direction first instead of taking blind steps. xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

I don’t know if I’ll ever get my dreams back, so I can’t say for certain that I’d have the need and want to write, like I used to. I think, right now, I don’t even know if I can get the energy back that I used to have.

Right now, if I could escape the panic of school and pancreas pain I’d rest to see if any of what I was and wanted returns, play games, ponder my future, and try and figure out what I want.

If only I wasn’t so tired and messed up right now. If only I could be normal.

kumanoir Asked:
-hugs- I know its not much but its something

My answer:

Thanks. I can definitely use it. Stay strong and be well.

I’ve lost my hope, my dreams, my desire, for the future. I never thought it would happen, but as you may have noticed, I’m not really living anymore. Not here on tumblr, not at school, not even while writing, and, actually, I can’t even truly write anymore.

The pain, the failures this illness has already brought, and the hop it’s killed has pretty much killed me, too. I tried a different depression medicine for awhile. It didn’t help. Then I started taking a higher dosage of the older, cheaper, depression medicine; but it’s not helping either. I think tomorrow I’m going to start weaning myself off of them.

Just like the past two semesters at school, I’m not going to successfully complete this one, either. In fact, this will probably be my last semester. Another failure to graduate. I’ve been to 11 schools in my life but never got  diploma.

I thought this time school would be different, and I’d graduate; maybe even have a life. But now I hurt too much in too many ways. My hope is gone. I’m going to end up in the hospital again, and again until one day, maybe even soon, I’ll be one of the 20-30% fatalities.  

I can’t keep going like this. Having nothing and being nothing except for a sick girl in too much pain to be of use for anyone, even herself.

How can I have such extreme pancreas pain and be starving? It’s not fair.

I’m never going to escape this hell.

I’m getting bad pancreas pain again. It worries me because the pain I haven’t finished all my classes for two semester now because it hurt too much to even leave my bed,. In fact, I’ve already missed a lot of school.

And, to make matters worse, because I had to go to the hospital the second week of the summer semester the school put me on probation. If I don’t finish all my classes or get a gpa lower than 2.5 I don’t get money to go to school anymore.

And with every missed class I get closer to failing. Plus my last hospital stay ended up costing $1300+ with insurance And, with July reset my insurance so I have to pay a $500 deductible before insurance will pay any of it.

I really need to find a way to pull myself together. Maybe I’ll go see Dr. Matt (or a pain specialist .the pancreas doctor mentioned) and I won’t miss any more classes due to pain. I don’t know.

climbingout Asked:
i want you to meet my dog. Yep. im terrified and there is too much pain to even understand so that is what im thinking. we cant die because you havent met my dog. xoxoxoxoxoxoxo

My answer:



I like your reasoning. Unfortunately, I think it’s more likely I’ll die when I’ve finally destroyed my life and future.

i dream of sunflowers and rainy nights and saving the homeless, building a whole new society, living in a cabin, by the sea, programming and skating and climbing and snowboarding and traveling with Paul. But at the same time, if we live in a tiny apartment  in a block of grey and never leave Ireland or see a sunflower again, but live where we are, together, with love they will not look back with regret. 

I always dreamed of living on my own island. I didn’t know why until I learned about my D.I.D. and discovered I have an island in my head, I think maybe I knew about it subconsciously or something.

climbingout Asked:
i want you to meet my dog. Yep. im terrified and there is too much pain to even understand so that is what im thinking. we cant die because you havent met my dog. xoxoxoxoxoxoxo

My answer:

I like your reasoning. Unfortunately, I think it’s more likely I’ll die when I’ve finally destroyed my life and future.

All I want you to know is you’re never alone, not even for a second.

All I want you to know is you’re never alone, not even for a second.

Although I know I
my world,
bringing a
when the
of night
I’m afraid
to sleep.


its the wrong one

i have to try like 5-10 times, because multiple times i forget which of my 3 passwords i’ve tried.

my head is pretty fucked, being a zombie and running away from truths is fucked.

i’ve found space to think about you getting treatement, you speaking, and you in general 3…

I just don’t know if I have talking in me anymore. I don’t have faith in therapy or therapists. I fear I’m too damaged by yet another thing.

Yesterday Jesh and I were talking about the Marvel stones; the time travel one mostly. About how we could go back in time and change things for the better.

This afternoon I felt hurt during a conversation and instead of not saying anything about my desires, thoughts and feelings like I learned growing up. I didn’t stay quiet.

Then, in a flash, the conversion escalated to a terrifying degree, at least terrifying for me. The violence, which wasn’t directed at me, was s much like the start the unpredictable violent outbursts I was constantly terrified of growing up as I never knew when one would happen.

In an instant I was transported back to a terrified, shaking, tear soaked little girl. I saw flashes of a white door being destroyed with fists and feet in order to get to me, punishments, pain, all of it.

I was so scared. And I was also surprised by the speed and force the survivor girl had. I was back in time, scared, alone, silent and tying to get away from danger.

I can’t believe I can be reduce and replaced by that girl so quick and easy. It’s no wonder I try to stay away from my adoptive parents. I can (and do) get sent back in time on the inside and change to the sacred. helpless, and hurt little girl I was then.

I never be normal, will I? I’ll always have fights  and triggers that send me back to trauma. It’s really depressing. :( I want all this past  crap that’s ruining me and my life to be over.

majandrel Asked:
e) I don't want to lose my freedom. I know it's hypothetical because maybe my appeal will be approved, but I'm curious what you thought. It'd probably be three months or so (at least it was last time but I think I had different insurance then), which is a long time to be away from Jesh. I want to get better, and I keep trying every day, but so far I'm no further. What do you think? Should I at least consider treatment if school pulls my funding or have freedom along with a pissed off dad?

My answer:


wow, that is crazy, i should have checked my inbox before your page, this is the exact thing i asked you. 

i always think treatment is better, but thats because i love you and always want you to 1)be free 2)feel supported and cared for (because you are) 3)to focus and give attention to what needs attention instead of wasting any more time than necessary in pain you dont deserve. 

Watching house right now and he had to cut his leg (had to do it himself in his bath cause of some illegal drug he was taking meant he couldnt go to hoospital), and he was scared and white and breathing like a freak because he was afraid to cut his own leg. You know like a “normal” person would be. It reminded me of you and me and how long we’ve been doing this shit. And how wrong it is. And how much pain we inflict on ourselves and as ashamed and afraid as i am to admit this out loud- we should not feel like the b/p or cutting is ever something we want, we should be revolted and afraid and the physical pain alone,  of being stuffed and feeling sick and exhausted and trying to throw up, or tearing open our poor skin- that should be enough to make us stay away, to find other options. We shouldnt ever feel like we want to b/p or cut.. .anyway just there while i was writing about you getting to give your wounds, the important stuff the attention it deserves, i looked up and saw house fall off his bed in hospital and his friend caught him and said “you cant keep going like this, something has to change”.

But as for treatment in those centres, ill have to think about that. i think you should get help, real help, for you and your self, your problems are not seperate and although we say we have an ED, you are a whole person where everything is linked and another box is not something i want for you. 

If any of those places relaly do help you, the person, not put you on  program and rules and not see you, not try to hear and help your personal unique biggest problems, then hell yes i think its worth it and a really good idea. Anything that can help you get better. i mean school and doing things you like is great. but youre living both lives and one of them is killing you. itd be so much better to gog take the time to heal and then come back to what you love fully free to live it. Or at least free enough that although you may still have things to work on youll feel stable and safe enough in your “recovery”(bad words again) to live without the danger you live in now. 

the JEsh thing i totally get. i was afraid the first time because PAul even asked if i could not go, so i thought hed leave. Then the second time, i knew he wanted me to get better, but he started drinking while i was away. im terrified hed leave or hate me if i left. But even if i knew like you say with Jesh, that he’d still be here when you got out, i know i would miss Paul so much, like so much, for 3 months?!!!!!! And i take it you feel the same. i know if i thought i could get better it would soo be worth it, but i would have to remind myself of that every day- that although i miss him, i am staying FOR him, staying so i can truely be with him 1000000000000% better when i get out. So although part of me is like “yep, i totally get that big flashing NO DONT GO sign”, i think it’d be better for you. 

Also if you found a good place then im sure he could visit IF youz all thought it would help/ not hinder the work you’re diong. 

If you’re considering going residential somewher/ getting help i think you should do it filly, do it right, as in pick something that can really help YOU. Fully. Not just another thing to help you survive a little better, in hell, something to actually help you get out of hell. 

If its not going to be real help, just another box with rules and no recognition of YOU, then i dont think its the best plan. You can get that outside of those places and still have freedom, Jesh, time and space to write, other outlets for getting REAL help, and a less pissed off dad. 

What exactly did Michael do/ say to these places that could get them to say no to someone who needs help. Thats a bit fucked up tbh. 

If you want to get better, and they can actually help then i’d hope they wouldnt let anything stop them. 

as for being afraid to get better, thats a whole other post. A very very real fear. Which not many understand. But you have already proven you can grow and change. You’ve changed so much since i’ve known you. Only this way, getting better, is a change that will actually make things easier, let some of the pain rest and let you feel some of the good that is there for you. 

im really tired so this is all over the place (i havent changed much;p) but i wanted to answer now because i missed you, all this is important and im afraid ill be too paniced and even more all over the place tomorrw. 

i think the most important thing is figuring out WITHOUG ANYNE ELSES EXPECTATIONS what you really want, and then going for that. Like funding and possibilities etc, once you know what you want, commit to it, its easier to fight for and make it work then. 

God i missed you so much, my dad even asked about you today, was afraid you were gone. 

Hugs and love from over here. Thank you for not giving in to the blood. Things are really hard lately and i have no answer for either of us, but i think we are seeing a little more how where we are is not a thing we can afford to uphold anymore. 

Honestly, I don’t know if IP, or therapy, would help because I can’t talk. When I had that re-episode Wednesday, I couldn’t physically (maybe even writing), because, like a robot I pretty much shut down. I had Jesh pretty worried, and I was worried too because of the extreme need of blood.

I’ve been writing poems about some of the stuff that’s destroying me, but it’s so traumatic I have not yet found the strength to finish writing them, transcribe onto my computer the ones in my notebook, nor post or share them.



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It’s so funny that you mentioned taking time of and working on recovery because I so just sent you an Ask about that. lol

Ever since my last discovery of buried truths, crying on trans and being super depressed for days I haven’t been doing a lot of living. I’m still not talking about painful things that could push me over the edge I’m already so close too, but I think it’s safer that way.

Anyways, I started feeling  little better, though the tragic truth of last week creeped up on me again, an it was so difficult to not let go and have someone inside trade the emotional pain with blood. I did it though. I survived that.

Then today I was supposed to get my financial aid so I can go to school for fall. Instead I got an email saying they were pulling my money and I’m on probation because I didn’t “pass” my summer semester; the disability director pulled an administrative withdrawal since I’d missed too much while being in the hospital.  

I sent an appeal, which will take 7-10 days (business I’m assuming), before I get the results. If they decide to not give me any aid then I can’t go to school, and, as it I, being on “probation” and having no money means I can’t work tutoring.

Right now I feel exhausted, lost and I don’t know what to do. I was going to use some of the school money to apply with the US government and request another resident visa (its $500).

I know that even if I don’t get the money I can still write, but, as I’ve been having a difficult time writing anything except my own free write thoughts, I was hoping school could get me back on track, my belief in my dream, and a better life.

When I saw the disability director this week I told him I was worried that I’m going to die in approximately six months. And that was before this new crap began. Soon I may have even less of a life than I already did. Maybe I was more right about the ticking clock than I realized. 

I don’t know. I don’t know anything except I feel depressed and hopeless.

Lost girls in a hidden island world.

Metropolitan State University of Denver, USA

Poet, writer

Depressed. Insomniac. Pill popper. Suicidal. May be triggering

Favs: Megan Fox, Eminem, Miley Cyrus, Chloe Moretz, Selena Gomez, Demi Lovato, Teen Wolf, Switched at Birth, TVD, SPN, GOT, PLL, Chasing Life

Diagnosed with PTSD, Dissociative Identity Disorder, Celiac Disease, Chronic Pancreatitis et al.

Quotes from favorite TV shows and movies

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